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I've written 8000 words today. "How does she do it?" I hear you ask. "What's her secret?" "Does she have a wife?" Gather around, little ones. Let me tell you the ways of the author. Closer. Come closer. Now listen. I have deadlines looming and I am fucked.

Melinda Salisbury (@MESalisbury)Mon, 24 Aug 2020 19:54 +0000

last year I negotiated on salary and the company WITHDREW the offer saying they were going to look internally for someone cheaper and then CAME back several months later. Moral of the story: always negotiate on salary because the worst that can happen is you expose a shitshow

Anna Koenig (@annamv10)Mon, 24 Aug 2020 23:01 +0000

It's funny looking at twitter and seeing the number of random companies reporting technical issues when there's an @awscloud outage

Kyle Arch (@KyleGeorgeArch)Tue, 25 Aug 2020 10:55 +0000

Today I learned that the Red Panda is so unique, it has no close relatives. It's the only living species in its genus and family.

Nature & Animals 🌴 (@AnimalsWorId)Tue, 25 Aug 2020 00:24 +0000

when your anxiety levels are lower in a pandemic than at school that says a lot about your education system

🌈sovietblobfish🌈 (@sovietblobfish)Mon, 24 Aug 2020 09:26 +0000

I am BEGGING. Someone please adopt this goon of a cat. pets4homes.co.uk/classifieds/28…

elena is hibjørnating (@ElenaBjxrn)Mon, 24 Aug 2020 21:22 +0000

https://twitter.com/chrismessina/status/1296613670005309440

This secret vice.com/en_us/article/…

Jane Manchun Wong (@wongmjane)Fri, 21 Aug 2020 01:04 +0000

https://twitter.com/wongmjane/status/1296614089968386048

Ken and 69 others (@piq9117)Mon, 24 Aug 2020 22:54 +0000

Hey y'all — I'm getting married tomorrow and taking my wife's name. Had to make a rebrand joke, srry. See thread for why I'm taking her name 👇

Ryan Morrison (@ryryjmo)Tue, 25 Aug 2020 01:07 +0000

Hi, I'm Angie! 👋🏽 I'm a Principal Developer Advocate, Java Champion, Automation Architect, Master Inventor, and Director of Test Automation University. BS in CompSci from TSU MS in CompSci from NCSU AKA 💕💚 Currently living in SF Bay Area #BiCRollCall #BiERollCall

Angie Jones (@techgirl1908)Tue, 25 Aug 2020 02:25 +0000

ux designers have existed for 15 years now and none of them have figured out a way to make software intuitive that beats having a talking paperclip explain things to you and i think thats sad

laura calabazas (@freezydorito)Mon, 24 Aug 2020 21:11 +0000

Free Them

the Cagle Cats (@CagleCats)Mon, 24 Aug 2020 14:25 +0000

https://twitter.com/nypost/status/1297630064058785793

How many times the media will kill this man

🤘🎸R💀 (@MangoRepublica)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 20:25 +0000

this is a meme from an AI generator and it's more clever than anything ive ever wrote

jimothy burglary (@JimothyBurg1ary)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 17:58 +0000

for bad posture

mila (@bauhauhaus)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 04:54 +0000

Hi! I’m 44, a Marine Corps vet and BJJ champion and I cry in my bed after therapy. Dudes (and dude-identifying folks), don’t forget that it’s okay to talk about struggling and taking care of your mental health.

Tim Banks (@elchefe)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 19:31 +0000

Cis isn't a slur. Period.

Cake is Kate. Always has been. 💫 (@kefimochi)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 19:46 +0000

https://twitter.com/mangopdf/status/1297803737814011904

sorry, "sadness" has been marked as duplicate

Kat Maddox (@ctrlshifti)Mon, 24 Aug 2020 07:53 +0000

Do you have a blog? 🥰 personal website where you write? 🥰 your own lil' corner of the Web? 🥰 lemme see!

10.20 (@jackyalcine)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 22:59 +0000

Checked my LinkedIn, good to see it's still a cesspit full of shitty people crowing about how they're top 1% like it's OnlyFans for recruiters

Kat Cosgrove's DevOps and Thirst Traps Emporium 🍑 (@Dixie3Flatline)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 20:14 +0000

I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to do when we finish Schitt’s Creek. Cry, probably. Then start again?

Sophie Koonin (@type__error)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 21:05 +0000

Something I've always wondered is, how did Batman become Batman? Did he have a mum and dad? What happened there?

Caspar Salmon (@CasparSalmon)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 14:04 +0000

do you think a dog knows he looks handsome when he wears a little bandanna

rax ‘oofnik’ king (@RaxKingIsDead)Sat, 22 Aug 2020 16:36 +0000

This also goes for "Blacks," "gays" etc

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if you refer to transgender people as “transgenders” i automatically hate u

syd (@TYLERRPHOBIC)Fri, 21 Aug 2020 16:24 +0000

Holly Brockwell (@holly)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 09:36 +0000

The only good thing that will come out of 2020 will be @jimmycarr hosting a 9 hour long episode of Big Fat Quiz of the Year.

Marcus Noble (@Marcus_Noble_)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 13:44 +0000

Same amount of spinach

Chris Albon (@chrisalbon)Sat, 22 Aug 2020 19:40 +0000

buying it from a homeless person wouldn’t really be very tweetable to be fair twitter.com/declanmckenna/…

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covert operation

Declan McKenna (@DeclanMcKenna)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 11:07 +0000

Matt 😼 (@matthewherod)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 11:42 +0000

Stumbled into a website tonight called UberBeats that I didn’t think was real, but I signed up anyway. 2.5 hrs later I get a surprise text! A DJ wearing a branded UberBeats mask pulls up in a car, smoke machine in their trunk, and plays a ~10m set. Best pandemic dance party. 🎵💖

Danielle Baskin (@djbaskin)Sun, 23 Aug 2020 07:10 +0000

Look how thrilled Mabel is to be here 😂 I LOVE HER

Holly Brockwell (@holly)Sat, 22 Aug 2020 16:15 +0000

Had the displeasure of getting caught up in a racist biker gang protest in Nottingham today. Never encountered such small dick energy in my life. OoOoOoOo revving ur big bike at me are ya, ya big bald cunt

Nikki O (@reverendnikki)Sat, 22 Aug 2020 13:27 +0000

abandoned monuments of yugoslavia

g̶̫̳̭͒͐̂l̸̡͚̿̕̚i̴̗̓̃ț̸̱̈́͒́ͅc̷̺̪̠̋ḣ̴͚̖̏͛ (@dollydemonica)Fri, 21 Aug 2020 02:23 +0000

Nobody told me prerecording talks was this stressful 😭

Sophie Koonin (@type__error)Sat, 22 Aug 2020 17:38 +0000

if you text me "we need to talk" i'm gonna reply "yes we do" now we both stressed

T’A🕊 (@tfcarter09)Sun, 16 Aug 2020 13:43 +0000

my socks say “eat shit” (thanks @gf3)

jenn (@jennschiffer)Fri, 21 Aug 2020 22:06 +0000

I just rang IT help desk to order a new mouse because the one in the office isn’t working.... Turns out it’s a whiteboard cleaner. How’s your friday night going? #Team999 #Nightshift

Nick The SOM (@ScotAmbSOM_Nick)Fri, 21 Aug 2020 18:37 +0000

https://twitter.com/natfriedman/status/1297177104182702080

Vim

Petros Amiridis (@amiridis)Sat, 22 Aug 2020 14:26 +0000

https://twitter.com/natfriedman/status/1297177104182702080

any software not working with ICE

Penelope literally has no balls (@penelope_zone)Sat, 22 Aug 2020 14:22 +0000

What was once a funny meme is just now four moods leaving the house during covid.

TorAthena (@TorAthena)Fri, 21 Aug 2020 10:07 +0000

Although their ‘Kill all Humans’ policy is, of course, troubling, I can’t help but admire the Daleks’ flawless social distancing.

Marshall Julius (@MarshallJulius)Fri, 21 Aug 2020 10:53 +0000

https://twitter.com/Tnfp3/status/1296863335665860609

you shouldn’t be a parent☺️❤️

Lilly Loves Erin Hannon (@nerdloser69)Sat, 22 Aug 2020 07:09 +0000

https://twitter.com/DANlEL7/status/1296566010200363013

probably same girls who think other girls with onlyfans don’t deserve respect either. whole mentality to shame men or women for doing sex work is pathetic

ً (@cremijeur)Thu, 20 Aug 2020 21:56 +0000

Perfectly Cut Shots (@PerfectlyShots)Sat, 22 Aug 2020 03:04 +0000

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

Living Morganism 🌱 (@ok_girlfriend)Fri, 21 Aug 2020 17:27 +0000