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Forget an edit button; I want @Twitter to include an Enterprise tier where I can force all of my employees to embed a 1200 character disclaimer at the end of every tweet for compliance purposes. You’re welcome, Internet!

Corey Quinn (@QuinnyPig)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 22:20 GMT

Is he gonna follow me? Shit Ok he hasn’t moved. Don’t look at my arse don’t look at my arse please don’t be looking at my arse

twitter.com/iamjulito/stat…

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Ladies, random question.. when you are walking down the street and you make a man’s head turn, what goes through your mind?

Julito McCullum (@IamJulito)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 17:42 GMT

Jaimi Shrive (@Jaimi_Shrive)Wed, 10 Mar 2021 10:49 GMT

This is every viral British news clip I've seen since the Meghan and Harry interview

Ryan Ken (@Ryan_Ken_Acts)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 18:39 GMT

Behind every Piers Morgan, Katie Hopkins, Nick Ferrari and Andrew Neil are entire teams of producers, camera operators, social media managers, publicists, and everything in between

pez 🇬🇭 (@periuspb)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 10:36 GMT

gradually moving the blanket with the sun so he always has a warm & comfy spot to lay

mo ☆ (@drphiIth)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 17:48 GMT

Service reliability math that every engineer should know Uptime Downtime (Yearly) 99.00000% 3d 15h 39m 99.90000% 8h 45m 56s 99.99000% 52m 35s 99.99900% 5m 15s 99.99990% 31s 99.99999% 3s

Matt Rickard (@mattrickard)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 17:53 GMT

ommgg

𝒊𝒔𝒏𝒕𝒅𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒆 ⭑⋆⃟⊱✪⃝⊰⋆⃟⭑ (@IsntDaveOne)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 05:06 GMT

Internet Hall of Fame 🏆 (@InternetHOF_)Sun, 07 Mar 2021 19:03 GMT

I just read a review about myself which mocked me for going to @OpenUniversity and I would like to take this opportunity to say that the reason I am here today with my book deals, TV work, a PhD from @unibirmingham and a successful company is because OU made that possible for me.

Dr. Jessica Taylor (@DrJessTaylor)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 13:51 GMT

I've started answering all unknown callers with "Good morning, Sandford Police Force." Very few of them continue to try and flog me dodgy timeshares :-)

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Incoming telephone calls are almost pointless. Abandoned the landline because 9 out of 10 calls were spam, now similar on the mobile.

Jez Nicholson (@jnicho02)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 09:12 GMT

Terence Eden (@edent)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 09:27 GMT

https://twitter.com/iDecypherr/status/1369011732203573248

my fault i remember now

wish 💫 (@wishin__)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 19:47 GMT

woman: you always talk over me and- man: that never happens

cal? (@cal_gif)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 21:58 GMT

I did it all for Jimmy's laugh.

Bec Hill (@bechillcomedian)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 15:25 GMT

https://twitter.com/JimMFelton/status/1369057756779601922

Found on twitter 🤷🏾‍♀️

Part of the Rebel Alliance and a Traitor (@HerRoyalDykness)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 22:52 GMT

A lot of men have tried to tell me "women belong in the kitchen" is a joke, but not one has been able to answer me when I ask them what the punchline is, or why it's funny. Weird. It's almost like "joke" just means "shitty thing to say that I'm going to defend anyway"

Kelly Ellis (@justkelly_ok)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 23:42 GMT

I fucking despair. #IWD2021

Holly '8 Cats' Brockwell (@holly)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 17:18 GMT

reading my morning paper

josh denson (@notjoshdenson)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 16:04 GMT

Last chemo cycle today! 🎉 #ChemoAllTheCoolKidsAreDoingIt

Nik Knight 💙 (@kninki)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 10:17 GMT

Happy 1 year anniversary of sheltering in place! ...many, many, many frozen dino nuggets (with BBQ sauce) and ZERO haircuts later.

jennz0r (@mybluewristband)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 21:04 GMT

Just got a calendar notification for my 14-week pregnancy appointment...I miscarried 4 weeks ago. This is why we don't need AI's to stitch photos together and autoplay "memories" for us. Not all reminders are good reminders. Technology can be great but it can also be harmful.

Emma Bostian 🐞 (@EmmaBostian)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 07:08 GMT

https://twitter.com/krisnova/status/1369046235571654657

no - no i don't want to talk about pronouns or gender or surgery - none of this is fun for me - i wish i didn't have to do this - i honestly hate it all - asking a transgender queer to talk about gender is like asking a diabetic to talk about needles its not fun for us

kris nóva (@krisnova)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 22:16 GMT

G'day! If someone uses they/them pronouns, maybe don't include them in lists of international women, eh?

Paul Fenwick (@pjf)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 13:57 GMT

And while British Twitter is off their bearings, let's hit em with this:

Petty Draper (@lnwdlnwd)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 04:39 GMT

#InternationalWomensDay #ManCity 💙

twitter.com/mancity/status…

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𝙈𝙔 𝙋𝙇𝘼𝘾𝙀 𝙄𝙎 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙋𝙄𝙏𝘾𝙃 Celebrating International Women's Day 2021 💙 💪 #IWD2021 🔷 #ManCity | mancity.com

Manchester City (@ManCity)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 08:59 GMT

Ellen White (@ellsbells89)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 09:43 GMT

The only thing I want to say about International Women's Day is that trans women are women too, and I would prefer it if you gave any adoration you were planning to send my way to the trans women in your life instead. I get plenty of attention.

Kat Cosgrove (@Dixie3Flatline)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 15:21 GMT

https://twitter.com/jbeda/status/1368696780636835842

Serious answer? You’re selling a crypto certificate with a URI attached to it. That URI points to a JSON document served by someone’s weekend project running on their personal AWS account. There’s nothing in the TOS transferring any rights.

Erica Windisch (@ewindisch)Sun, 07 Mar 2021 22:59 GMT

Open for a surprise

Why you should have a cat (@ShouldHaveCat)Sun, 07 Mar 2021 13:57 GMT

“your pronouns are what’s in between your legs” ok so girls/guys

cal? (@cal_gif)Sun, 07 Mar 2021 17:57 GMT

whoa

Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen)Sat, 06 Mar 2021 21:51 GMT

Forgotten password reminder, your password is:

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Tell us a cybersecurity horror story in 6 words.

Sophos (@Sophos)Wed, 03 Mar 2021 12:00 GMT

Matt Brunt (@Brunty)Sun, 07 Mar 2021 12:22 GMT

https://twitter.com/eramshaw/status/1368029386742657031

This year has been heartbreaking, depressing, paralyzing — in almost every way. But some things about it have also been liberating, and I have to figure out how to cling to those things in a vaccinated future — even when others expect me not to.

Emily Ramshaw (@eramshaw)Sat, 06 Mar 2021 02:43 GMT

Suddenly, today, I panicked about life inching back toward “normal.” I don’t want to travel endlessly for work. I don’t want my weekends to be over-committed with activities. I don’t want to miss bedtime with my kid. I don’t want to wear blazers — or, hell, even shoes.

Emily Ramshaw (@eramshaw)Sat, 06 Mar 2021 02:43 GMT

I wore sheer tights and a skirt to Asda earlier and the boys were a lookin my goodness 😂

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Both my seventy something mom and a relative got asked out in the vaccine line. Im telling you ppl are ready. This summer will be wild

Kaitlyn Greenidge (@surlybassey)Sun, 07 Mar 2021 00:02 GMT

Katy Montgomerie 🦗 (@KatyMontgomerie)Sun, 07 Mar 2021 02:41 GMT

however thoroughly you wash your hands if you voted for this government they will never be clean Words by @RachaelLHouse Art by @wefail

badly-drawn bee 🐝 (@soapachu)Sat, 06 Mar 2021 08:39 GMT

As a DevOps professional I have to publicly be upset about this but privately lol same

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My builds are 100% reproducible as long as nothing on the internet changes.

James Ward (@_JamesWard)Thu, 04 Mar 2021 22:25 GMT

Kat Cosgrove (@Dixie3Flatline)Fri, 05 Mar 2021 17:51 GMT

If it is this difficult to convince people to put a piece of fabric over their faces to prevent the transmission of disease so they don’t die or kill others… the outlook on getting humans to do all of those abstract, fiddly cybersecurity things required to be safe online is ☠️

Jessy Irwin ✨ (@jessysaurusrex)Fri, 05 Mar 2021 21:09 GMT

Friend: Where are you? Me: I'm on the way.

Naren (@DudeWhoCode)Fri, 05 Mar 2021 18:59 GMT

IF THE SALARY IS COMPETITIVE WHY WON'T YOU SHOW IT?

Show The Salary (@ShowTheSalary)Wed, 03 Mar 2021 08:32 GMT

lol at me scrolling twitter as if I've already watched the wandavision finale, so brave

Eli Schutze Ramirez (@elibelly)Fri, 05 Mar 2021 17:21 GMT

"It's a 13 point story, but 8 is for the work and 5 is for my therapy." 😅

Matt Brunt (@Brunty)Thu, 04 Mar 2021 17:16 GMT

losing my entire gourd over this photo of a murmuration of starlings by james crombie in the irish times today

bridget 🌸🐝 (@wholemilkbitch)Thu, 04 Mar 2021 15:34 GMT

"Oh, you bought a standing desk? Yeah, nice try."

Omar Mouallem (@OmarMouallem)Thu, 04 Mar 2021 01:07 GMT

Guys I’m totally freaked out....I took the COVID19 vaccine band aid off my arm and WTF

Free Dominguez (@freedominguez)Fri, 05 Mar 2021 01:22 GMT

It made my day 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

{ "justin": "yoo" } 📝 #MSLearn (@justinchronicle)Thu, 04 Mar 2021 11:16 GMT