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Standup comedians be like "we can't be funny without being racist or transphobic". Meanwhile, this single image is funnier than 12 hours of Dave Chappelle.

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I will never be this funny.

Matthew @SwordsComic (@_mjwills)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 09:43 +0000

matty @ MEGALOS!! | am both shark and goblin (@Gahostan)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 04:16 +0000

Still blows my mind that Elmo, Grover and Kermit were all legitimate, relatively common names before the muppets made it impossible to name your child that. There was a president named Grover! Theodore Roosevelt's son was named Kermit! Now that's truly leaving a mark on culture

SUEDE (@SuedeBlade)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 23:33 +0000

I wish I had a degradation kink because it would’ve made my doctor appointments today so much more bearable

Stanzi ❤️‍🔥 (@stanzipotenza)Thu, 30 Jun 2022 16:04 +0000

one of the big unspoken issues underlying "kink at pride" discourse seems to be that a lot of people assume "kink" is an objective category, and anyone engaging in a "kink" is therefore horny at all times and basically fucking right in front of you

eevee (@eevee)Sun, 23 May 2021 09:37 +0000

Wow, kink shaming is a new low for @peta

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Your dog wouldn’t do this to you—don’t do it to them.

PETA (@peta)Mon, 14 Mar 2022 21:02 GMT

ʝօɦռռʏӼʍǟֆ (@J0hnnyXm4s)Wed, 29 Jun 2022 23:20 +0000

you know your week is gonna be fun after a reorg when you get a bunch of "do you still work on x?" DMs and the best response you can give is "... uhh i think so?"

danielle 🏳️‍🌈 (@endocrimes)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 17:30 +0000

Happy “Independence” Day from me and my reproductive rights.

Jessica Chastain (@jes_chastain)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 14:52 +0000

in the rest of the world we celebrate the day will smith saved the world from aliens

evil maid (@lenazun)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 17:34 +0000

America. Where our freedom to carry guns trumps our freedom to celebrate our freedom.

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Authorities say shooter is still at large -- so neighboring cities are cancelling 4th of July events. twitter.com/BrianEntin/sta…

Brian Entin (@BrianEntin)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 16:59 +0000

Yechiel (@yechielk)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 17:36 +0000

This can be an alternative to fireworks (that is more sustainable and pet-friendly). twitter.com/todd_spence/st…

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Drones creating the Star Trek Enterprise. Insane.

SPENCE, TODD (@Todd_Spence)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 23:44 +0000

Light bulbs (@light_bulbs_net)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 07:41 +0000

Oddly satisfying to rework #Java code to make use of record types. Removed code is good code, I guess 💪. #kcctl🐻 github.com/kcctl/kcctl/co…

Gunnar Morling 🌍 (@gunnarmorling)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 10:42 +0000

Having a wistful cuppa in memory of all that tea that got wasted by being thrown into the sea

Stuart Langridge (@sil)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 14:27 +0000

a lot of adults are really in their feelings because they see a new generation of children being treated with the kindness and respect that they were denied in their own childhoods. it can trigger a “how come they deserve it and i didn’t” reaction, even unconsciously.

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y’all hear “gentle parenting” and think it’s talking to a child in a baby voice until they’re 20 years old, nah bruh just don’t rock bottom Man Man cuz he spilled the Welch’s on the kitchen counter

yeah idc (@itsnotpap)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 13:11 +0000

king crissle (@crissles)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 18:09 +0000

https://twitter.com/POTUS/status/1543949133031084032

I’m so sorry but after decisions of scotus, I can’t celebrate the 4th. I am so terribly sad and afraid for our country. PLEASE do something.

Susan Groenenboom (@pacersq)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 13:27 +0000

https://twitter.com/POTUS/status/1543949133031084032

50% of us just got our rights taken away. Forgive me, but I’m not feeling it. At all. Yeah nothing says sacred better than being told your life is forfeit to a collection of cells. Yeah that screams freedom. 😑

EnragedCyborgSlaveofSatan😂 (@LaCyndee)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 13:30 +0000

The fact that telegram and signal have opposite swipe directions for replies fucks me up every single day 🫠

Carol 🌻 (@CarolSaysThings)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 14:56 +0000

“the only nation on Earth founded based on an idea: that all people are created equal.” Thats such bull shit..So just ignore Haiti?🇭🇹 They were actually founded on equality and anti slavery. I will celebrate them instead💅🏾 twitter.com/potus/status/1…

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The Fourth of July is a sacred day in our country – it's a time to celebrate the goodness of our nation, the only nation on Earth founded based on an idea: that all people are created equal. Make no mistake, our best days still lie ahead.

President Biden (@POTUS)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 13:25 +0000

USSR was 1st to Legalize Abortion (@ComradeKimDawn)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 14:56 +0000

Men just take up a lotta space huh

america's tweetheart (@kalehummus)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 03:55 +0000

If The Deep can be respectful, so can you.

Prime Video (@PrimeVideo)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 18:00 +0000

i just watched a regular show episode chopped into 15 parts on tiktok and the realization that this is the modern age version of watching anime in 20 parts in 240p on youtube got to me so bad just now i got nauseated

☆ lay ☆ (@shiamuz)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 19:16 +0000

dog owners: their name is buddy cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

Adam (@adamgreattweet)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 19:02 +0000

https://twitter.com/eddiejaoude/status/1543497248478298113

I don't know if TTCon is a smart or dumb name. It reminds me of chest area's 😆

Lou Creemers (@lovelacecoding)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 20:13 +0000

This last week and a bit we were on holiday in Majorca, staying at the Protur Bonaire in Cala Bona. Because of Covid restrictions, it was to be the boys’ first time outside the UK, their first flights …

A Lithuanian company has created a for-profit training company called Turing College. The word "College" isn't a protected term in most of Europe. Unlike, for example, "University", anyone can call …

I will never be this funny.

Matthew @SwordsComic (@_mjwills)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 09:43 +0000

my main problem with the Bible is I typically don't read fiction written by men

Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 23:49 +0000

https://twitter.com/cperciva/status/1543788720976846852

Corey Quinn (@QuinnyPig)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 02:53 +0000

https://twitter.com/colmmacc/status/1543788359033663489

I wonder what would happen if you started redirecting the bots to HTTPS.

Colin Percival (@cperciva)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 02:48 +0000

Here's a few seconds of live logs for real people using neverssl.com , on a relatively quiet holiday weekend Sunday. It's about 4 or 5 a second. You can also see bursts of retries from Browsers dealing with flaky networks.

Colm MacCárthaigh (@colmmacc)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 02:18 +0000

Take it from someone who spends a lot of time working with genes and genomes: sex is not binary, not even at the chromosomal level. This is a wilful misinterpretation of biological reality by people who can’t count past two.

Fahad Ali | فهد علي (@fahad_s_ali)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 06:54 +0000

Cat Culture (@Cats_Culture)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 03:00 +0000

everybody loves the movie “Jaws” but did you know one of its most memorable moments was improvised? That’s right - the robot shark was never supposed to be in the film. It just showed up in the water one day and everybody went with it. The rest is box office history!

Jamison Webb (@jamisonwebb)Tue, 12 May 2020 21:26 +0000

https://twitter.com/NoContextTrek/status/1543798585116037122

Oh thats what that button does

uncles and oranges (@TiberiusChrist)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 03:28 +0000

https://twitter.com/NoContextTrek/status/1543798585116037122

RIP that one Steamrunner that didn't make it out of the blast zone a few seconds before this.

Zofia Blackwell (@HanniganII)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 03:44 +0000

I have not kids and the only pet in the apartment is a cat...and I'm still thinking "go the fuck to bed and stop firing off fireworks in town, fuckers".

Captain Macho Pirate Mick Rackham.yarrr🏴‍☠️🍺⚓🌻 (@tw2113)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 03:30 +0000

Welcome to the stomach

Adrian Bliss (@adrianbliss)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 20:30 +0000

her boobs ease the pain caIl it iboobprofen

d🦕n (@javroar)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 02:24 +0000

Every time a tweet of mine about the pandemic takes off, my mentions get flooded with people saying 'you can just isolate for a couple more years.' The way that people casually admit that they're fine with locking disabled people away indefinitely never fails to surprise me.

Karl Knights (@Inadarkwood)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 10:31 +0000

STOP MAKING BOOMS. WHAT IS THERE EVEN TO CELEBRATE

Jorts (and Jean) (@JortsTheCat)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 04:48 +0000

there is no excuse for hitting your children

eevee (@eevee)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 05:05 +0000

I've done it. I've achieved the open source maintainer platinum trophy. There are ✨no open issues or pull requests on Flask ✨, a framework downloaded 75 million times in the last month.

David Lord (@davidism)Fri, 01 Jul 2022 19:41 +0000

Would anybody be willing to join a Go Time episode to talk about Burnout? Whether you’ve experienced it yourself, or coached people through it, I’m looking for Gophers who can shed some light on the subject, with the goal of helping others recover or to avoid altogether. #golang

Mat Ryer (@matryer)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 18:25 +0000

💯😂🤣

Gritty is the Way (@Gritty20202)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 00:26 +0000

https://twitter.com/juliacarriew/status/1543580695792173056

I think that we’re entering a period when the most meaningful political distinction will be fascist and anti-fascist. It’s really important to understand that transphobia is one of the most potent entry points to fascism today - and act accordingly.

Julia Carrie Wong (@juliacarriew)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 13:07 +0000

https://twitter.com/thecrackenfl/status/1543337100266831872

tipping is the stupidest shit i’ve ever seen

cond🇨🇳🇬🇧 (@condtwt)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 21:50 +0000

https://twitter.com/thecrackenfl/status/1543337100266831872

I thought tip was supposed to be optional for good service lol. You should probably ask your employer for more money instead of shit posting here

$&@ (@TechNinja150)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 21:36 +0000

Hell of a business model

Scott Berrevoets (@ScottBerrevoets)Fri, 01 Jul 2022 23:59 +0000

I’m expecting...my very own book called “Beautiful People!” We see announcements for births and weddings, but women should be able to celebrate career milestones with that same excitement. I’m OFFICIALLY halfway done writing my book, so I wanted to take an announcement photo!

Melissa Blake (@melissablake)Thu, 30 Jun 2022 06:38 +0000

https://twitter.com/BusinessInsider/status/1543234673270308866

Nah, just let them work from home. You will never eliminate their commutes. At home I have a private bathroom, I can play music, and all my food is here. I can take a nap after lunch. You will never top working from home!

Elegance *B*L*M* (@ElegantBW)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 19:26 +0000

Why was the Soviet Union able to make such an authentic cyberwar movie? Because they used state actors.

SwiftOnSecurity (@SwiftOnSecurity)Thu, 13 May 2021 21:14 +0000