I went to primary school in the 90s and every form said “parent/guardian” please grow the fuck up, this is not news.

Dawn Foster (@DawnHFoster)Sat, 13 Mar 2021 10:33 GMT

https://twitter.com/Dixie3Flatline/status/1370382449075613698

Jesus Christ. You literally look gorgeous in anything Here, I made you a meme

Katelyn Bowden (@medus4_cdc)Sat, 13 Mar 2021 00:52 GMT

9-5 is really 7-6 if you add time to commute, eat and getting ready.. This ain’t a way to live.

The Hybrid (@kchamps613)Thu, 11 Mar 2021 13:56 GMT

this is my favorite image

UserNA (@PianoREDACTED)Thu, 11 Mar 2021 04:16 GMT

Fox sleeping on sky light

dominic dyer (@domdyer70)Thu, 11 Mar 2021 07:56 GMT

Followed a tutorial and put JWTs in localStorage? If the guy behind UNPKG wanted to, he could inject code to JS requests and collect all of your users JWTs. Same w/ any 3rd party scripts you use. 2B req/mo is a lot of tokens. I put that crap in signed, https, SameSite cookies.

Ryan Florence (@ryanflorence)Fri, 12 Mar 2021 18:02 GMT

Chris Laco (@claco)Fri, 12 Mar 2021 22:43 GMT

✨IMPORTANT PSA✨ You are not a bad person for not doing chores. There's no morality attached to clean dishes/stacks of dirty ones. There's no punishment for not being able to tackle any housework. Don't feel bad about not having the energy right now. It's okay. You're okay.💛

Lily C ♿️🏳️‍🌈 (@paperstainedink)Sat, 06 Mar 2021 16:51 GMT

Everyone’s gonna get vaxxed and think they’re gonna fuck but nobody knows how to talk anymore so it’s just be a whole club of horny people talking about Bionicles.

chris person, Game Freak (@Papapishu)Fri, 12 Mar 2021 02:28 GMT

It’s time I make my own hex, I can’t live with no WandaVision

❀ (@___T0T____)Fri, 12 Mar 2021 07:17 GMT

https://twitter.com/edent/status/1369956476823953411

OK! Here's how to completely remove the Trending section of Twitter *without* having to install plugins, adblockers, CSS, or apps. Visit twitter.com/settings/trends Set your location to China China only has one trend: "Beijing" Tap "I'm not interested in this" 🥳 Trends is now gone

Terence Eden (@edent)Fri, 12 Mar 2021 17:32 GMT

I've been very quiet on here lately but I thought you ought to know that these two moved in and they're awesome. ❤️

Rachel Morgan-Trimmer (@SparkleClass)Fri, 12 Mar 2021 17:23 GMT

My favorite thing about DevOps is once you get all this shit set up, you get to be really really lazy

Kat Cosgrove (@Dixie3Flatline)Fri, 12 Mar 2021 17:17 GMT

[seeing other people get vaccinated]

Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt)Fri, 12 Mar 2021 03:17 GMT

Earth is beautiful

VISUALHUB (@VlSUALHUB)Wed, 10 Mar 2021 20:16 GMT

TV Idea: #NotAllSnakes Men who say "Not All Men" are introduced to a variety of snakes. Not all of them are venomous.

Joe Wells (@joewellscomic)Thu, 11 Mar 2021 17:11 GMT

Happy one year anniversary to this text I sent my mom 🥳🥲🥳

Brandon (@bkwhopper17)Thu, 11 Mar 2021 18:22 GMT

i swear, this "remove the wall" effect aged me 2 years in 2 weeks but i reaaaaally like the result☺️ #gamedev

Last Man Sitting (@LastManSitting_)Wed, 10 Mar 2021 14:00 GMT

https://twitter.com/carter721982/status/1369937711771971585

are u actually like dick measuring but with sobriety rn

Raichu (@RaichuMGS)Thu, 11 Mar 2021 09:13 GMT

My favourite vegetable is mangetout bc it’s spells man get out

Jaimi Shrive (@Jaimi_Shrive)Thu, 11 Mar 2021 20:45 GMT

You may think standing in the vaccine standby lines is a waste of time but I think it's worth a shot

Emily (@EmilyKager)Thu, 11 Mar 2021 21:19 GMT

You can empower the next engineer with ✨DOCUMENTATION✨

AV (@driannavaldivia)Wed, 10 Mar 2021 21:29 GMT

I GOT VACCINATED!!! 🙏🙏

Ben Marshall (@notbenmarshall)Wed, 10 Mar 2021 17:02 GMT

https://twitter.com/GremlinInc/status/1369762041309896706

blameful premortems

Jason Yee, but ✨actually a purple-haired goose✨ (@gitbisect)Wed, 10 Mar 2021 21:57 GMT

･ *ﾟ 　 ･ ﾟ* ･｡ *･｡ the pull-out *.｡ ｡･ method °*. ﾟ｡ ﾟ*. is not ｡｡ ･ ｡ ･ﾟ ｡°*. reliable ｡*･｡

H̶͢͝T̨T̸̕͢P̴̕͠ ̕͠Lo̡͡v̸̷͢è̡͢ç̶raf̕t̨͜ (@HTTP_Lovecraft)Wed, 10 Mar 2021 20:42 GMT

Forget an edit button; I want @Twitter to include an Enterprise tier where I can force all of my employees to embed a 1200 character disclaimer at the end of every tweet for compliance purposes. You’re welcome, Internet!

Corey Quinn (@QuinnyPig)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 22:20 GMT

Is he gonna follow me? Shit Ok he hasn’t moved. Don’t look at my arse don’t look at my arse please don’t be looking at my arse

twitter.com/iamjulito/stat…

Post details

Ladies, random question.. when you are walking down the street and you make a man’s head turn, what goes through your mind?

Julito McCullum (@IamJulito)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 17:42 GMT

Jaimi Shrive (@Jaimi_Shrive)Wed, 10 Mar 2021 10:49 GMT

This is every viral British news clip I've seen since the Meghan and Harry interview

Ryan Ken (@Ryan_Ken_Acts)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 18:39 GMT

Behind every Piers Morgan, Katie Hopkins, Nick Ferrari and Andrew Neil are entire teams of producers, camera operators, social media managers, publicists, and everything in between

pez 🇬🇭 (@periuspb)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 10:36 GMT

gradually moving the blanket with the sun so he always has a warm & comfy spot to lay

mo ☆ (@drphiIth)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 17:48 GMT

Service reliability math that every engineer should know Uptime Downtime (Yearly) 99.00000% 3d 15h 39m 99.90000% 8h 45m 56s 99.99000% 52m 35s 99.99900% 5m 15s 99.99990% 31s 99.99999% 3s

Matt Rickard (@mattrickard)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 17:53 GMT

ommgg

𝒊𝒔𝒏𝒕𝒅𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒆 ⭑⋆⃟⊱✪⃝⊰⋆⃟⭑ (@IsntDaveOne)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 05:06 GMT

Internet Hall of Fame 🏆 (@InternetHOF_)Sun, 07 Mar 2021 19:03 GMT

I just read a review about myself which mocked me for going to @OpenUniversity and I would like to take this opportunity to say that the reason I am here today with my book deals, TV work, a PhD from @unibirmingham and a successful company is because OU made that possible for me.

Dr. Jessica Taylor (@DrJessTaylor)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 13:51 GMT

I've started answering all unknown callers with "Good morning, Sandford Police Force." Very few of them continue to try and flog me dodgy timeshares :-)

Post details

Incoming telephone calls are almost pointless. Abandoned the landline because 9 out of 10 calls were spam, now similar on the mobile.

Jez Nicholson (@jnicho02)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 09:12 GMT

Terence Eden (@edent)Tue, 09 Mar 2021 09:27 GMT

https://twitter.com/iDecypherr/status/1369011732203573248

my fault i remember now

wish 💫 (@wishin__)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 19:47 GMT

woman: you always talk over me and- man: that never happens

cal? (@cal_gif)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 21:58 GMT

I did it all for Jimmy's laugh.

Bec Hill (@bechillcomedian)Mon, 08 Mar 2021 15:25 GMT