I will never be this funny.

Matthew @SwordsComic (@_mjwills)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 09:43 +0000

my main problem with the Bible is I typically don't read fiction written by men

Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 23:49 +0000

https://twitter.com/cperciva/status/1543788720976846852

Corey Quinn (@QuinnyPig)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 02:53 +0000

https://twitter.com/colmmacc/status/1543788359033663489

I wonder what would happen if you started redirecting the bots to HTTPS.

Colin Percival (@cperciva)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 02:48 +0000

Here's a few seconds of live logs for real people using neverssl.com , on a relatively quiet holiday weekend Sunday. It's about 4 or 5 a second. You can also see bursts of retries from Browsers dealing with flaky networks.

Colm MacCárthaigh (@colmmacc)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 02:18 +0000

Take it from someone who spends a lot of time working with genes and genomes: sex is not binary, not even at the chromosomal level. This is a wilful misinterpretation of biological reality by people who can’t count past two.

Fahad Ali | فهد علي (@fahad_s_ali)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 06:54 +0000

Cat Culture (@Cats_Culture)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 03:00 +0000

everybody loves the movie “Jaws” but did you know one of its most memorable moments was improvised? That’s right - the robot shark was never supposed to be in the film. It just showed up in the water one day and everybody went with it. The rest is box office history!

Jamison Webb (@jamisonwebb)Tue, 12 May 2020 21:26 +0000

https://twitter.com/NoContextTrek/status/1543798585116037122

Oh thats what that button does

uncles and oranges (@TiberiusChrist)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 03:28 +0000

https://twitter.com/NoContextTrek/status/1543798585116037122

RIP that one Steamrunner that didn't make it out of the blast zone a few seconds before this.

Zofia Blackwell (@HanniganII)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 03:44 +0000

I have not kids and the only pet in the apartment is a cat...and I'm still thinking "go the fuck to bed and stop firing off fireworks in town, fuckers".

Captain Macho Pirate Mick Rackham.yarrr🏴‍☠️🍺⚓🌻 (@tw2113)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 03:30 +0000

Welcome to the stomach

Adrian Bliss (@adrianbliss)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 20:30 +0000

her boobs ease the pain caIl it iboobprofen

d🦕n (@javroar)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 02:24 +0000

Every time a tweet of mine about the pandemic takes off, my mentions get flooded with people saying 'you can just isolate for a couple more years.' The way that people casually admit that they're fine with locking disabled people away indefinitely never fails to surprise me.

Karl Knights (@Inadarkwood)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 10:31 +0000

STOP MAKING BOOMS. WHAT IS THERE EVEN TO CELEBRATE

Jorts (and Jean) (@JortsTheCat)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 04:48 +0000

there is no excuse for hitting your children

eevee (@eevee)Mon, 04 Jul 2022 05:05 +0000

I've done it. I've achieved the open source maintainer platinum trophy. There are ✨no open issues or pull requests on Flask ✨, a framework downloaded 75 million times in the last month.

David Lord (@davidism)Fri, 01 Jul 2022 19:41 +0000

Would anybody be willing to join a Go Time episode to talk about Burnout? Whether you’ve experienced it yourself, or coached people through it, I’m looking for Gophers who can shed some light on the subject, with the goal of helping others recover or to avoid altogether. #golang

Mat Ryer (@matryer)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 18:25 +0000

💯😂🤣

Gritty is the Way (@Gritty20202)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 00:26 +0000

https://twitter.com/juliacarriew/status/1543580695792173056

I think that we’re entering a period when the most meaningful political distinction will be fascist and anti-fascist. It’s really important to understand that transphobia is one of the most potent entry points to fascism today - and act accordingly.

Julia Carrie Wong (@juliacarriew)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 13:07 +0000

https://twitter.com/thecrackenfl/status/1543337100266831872

tipping is the stupidest shit i’ve ever seen

cond🇨🇳🇬🇧 (@condtwt)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 21:50 +0000

https://twitter.com/thecrackenfl/status/1543337100266831872

I thought tip was supposed to be optional for good service lol. You should probably ask your employer for more money instead of shit posting here

$&@ (@TechNinja150)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 21:36 +0000

Hell of a business model

Scott Berrevoets (@ScottBerrevoets)Fri, 01 Jul 2022 23:59 +0000

I’m expecting...my very own book called “Beautiful People!” We see announcements for births and weddings, but women should be able to celebrate career milestones with that same excitement. I’m OFFICIALLY halfway done writing my book, so I wanted to take an announcement photo!

Melissa Blake (@melissablake)Thu, 30 Jun 2022 06:38 +0000

https://twitter.com/BusinessInsider/status/1543234673270308866

Nah, just let them work from home. You will never eliminate their commutes. At home I have a private bathroom, I can play music, and all my food is here. I can take a nap after lunch. You will never top working from home!

Elegance *B*L*M* (@ElegantBW)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 19:26 +0000

Why was the Soviet Union able to make such an authentic cyberwar movie? Because they used state actors.

SwiftOnSecurity (@SwiftOnSecurity)Thu, 13 May 2021 21:14 +0000

https://twitter.com/BusinessInsider/status/1543234673270308866

It's almost as though you didn't ask the employees. I have a shorter commute. In my lunch hour I can make lunch and watch a 45 minute episode of something. I don't have people walking up behind me and luring while they want to talk to me (I know one person with a rear view...

ℝ𝕠𝕩𝕪 🇺🇦 (@FireyRoxy)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 21:44 +0000

https://twitter.com/BusinessInsider/status/1543234673270308866

No office design makes up for commuting, difficult colleagues, useless meetings, dressing up, ... The pandemic has shown that, for most jobs, being AT work is counterproductive to actually DOING the work. So why do businesses want employees back? To watch them, nothing more.

Stop The Right! ⚠️🗽⚖️ (@NMdoglover)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 18:53 +0000

https://twitter.com/BusinessInsider/status/1543234673270308866

Or you can stop forcing people back to spaces where they don’t feel comfortable and instead let them do their jobs from home like they’ve been able to do for the past 2 years. This obsession with getting back to pre-pandemic “normality” is so weird. It wasn’t that great before.

L (@P03940098)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 17:49 +0000

https://twitter.com/BusinessInsider/status/1543234673270308866

How about just not waste our time with pointless commutes and terrible work life balance when we can be just as productive from the comfort of our home? Stop wasting your money on office space and just pay your employees more. 🥴

Brittany Burkard 🐺📚🎮🎨🏳️‍🌈✊🏽🏴‍☠️ (@brittburkard)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 19:35 +0000

Piers Morgan is blocking people who tweet this photo, so don’t miss this opportunity

The Left Bible (@theleftbible)Sat, 25 Jun 2022 20:09 +0000

one of the most personally alarming things about having COVID so far is that my reflexive mental process for constructing tweets in my voice has largely vanished. if it doesn’t come back i might be forced to acquire skills and or a personality

Ada Powers is hirable (@mspowahs)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 17:26 +0000

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

Bob Golen (@BobGolen)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 14:59 +0000

https://twitter.com/IHYSLVT/status/1542934940521824261

Lol W/we hot AF @PandaWorldTribe

Cleo Panda🐈‍⬛ (@thetittycat)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 00:43 +0000

https://twitter.com/IHYSLVT/status/1542934940521824261

I mean some yall are in one and don't even know it

ToTo's Bizarre Adventure🇬🇾🇹🇹 (@TOBYTONEYII)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 15:53 +0000

https://twitter.com/IHYSLVT/status/1542934940521824261

bruh all poly people I know are legit hot af in what hole do you live in

gaia (@hoarfrostdemon)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 16:40 +0000

https://twitter.com/TOBYTONEYII/status/1543261585430519808

Uhm no. Poly is supposed to be transparent. If they don’t know it means their partner is cheating 🙃

Shadi (@go2therapynow)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 21:23 +0000

Jackie Chan fought a bunch of bad guys in my house but he was careful to avoid breaking all my precious vases. I’m so relieved

Alex Blechman (@AlexBlechman)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 16:32 +0000

https://twitter.com/fred_guttenberg/status/1543226391646375936

I don't understand why folks don't just link to the OP's post? I mean, if there's a retweet or like, it should go to them, yeah?

Post details

thank god pregnant 12 year olds will no longer have to see a rainbow in their classrooms while they’re getting shot at

ceeks (@70Ceeks)Thu, 30 Jun 2022 13:40 +0000

ReeRasputin (@RasputinRee)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 15:37 +0000

What's with all the pictures of massive plates of full English breakfast with the question 'What's missing?' I'll tell you what's missing. Originality. That peculiar skill of typing something original instead of rehashing the same old shit just for likes.

Katie 🌿 Ⓥ 💚 ⧖ 🌎 (@katie_jr)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 15:56 +0000

Doing a gnarly git rebase (because I occasionally commit to already merged branches) successfully immediately on a Sunday... I should just stop now, huh?

Chris Short 🇺🇸🇺🇦 (@ChrisShort)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 16:01 +0000

I'm right here

Post details

They should invent a wife who is a slut

Rebecca (@rebeccagull)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 18:52 +0000

j̴̢͘҉i̸̢͞z̛̛̀҉͞z̡͞w̶̵̢͜͞i̡͘t̸͝͝c̸͝h̀͏ (@fingerbIaster)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 16:08 +0000

If someone refers to himself as “good/nice guy”, RUN!! You never know when that enormous af insecurity will become murderous 😬

twitter.com/aubryandrews/s…

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Guys stop doing this.

Aubry Andrews 🦝 (@AubryAndrews)Sat, 02 Jul 2022 21:05 +0000

Piece of Cake 💫 (@kefimochi)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 16:11 +0000

This photo of Jeff Bezos riding Space Mountain completely alone is one of the funniest, most pathetic demonstrations of wealth I’ve ever seen. Imagine having the power eradicate poverty & choosing to instead spend your money and time doing shit like this.

Kendall Brown (@kendallybrown)Fri, 01 Jul 2022 20:26 +0000

every time a new stranger things season drops ppl r like "we all love blorpy, the beloved new character" and then a week later "how could they just kill blorpy like that" open your eyes

bec (@becbenepla)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 01:41 +0000

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Grindset 💸 (@ldrinkh20)Fri, 01 Jul 2022 22:28 +0000

i think every time something enters the public domain we need to make a version where the characters are mice. you don’t have to change anything about the plot except the characters sleep on powder puffs and wear acorn berets and shit. as a society we need to do this

kitaki cinematic universe (@attorneytrash)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 02:36 +0000

The Great Gatsby with mice would rule

Post details

i think every time something enters the public domain we need to make a version where the characters are mice. you don’t have to change anything about the plot except the characters sleep on powder puffs and wear acorn berets and shit. as a society we need to do this

kitaki cinematic universe (@attorneytrash)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 02:36 +0000

Jane Altoids (@staticbluebat)Sun, 03 Jul 2022 16:18 +0000